i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
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I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.