somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
You Might Also Like
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
That took me a moment.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
No. He’s not coming out to play
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.