[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
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I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
ouch
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that