Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
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Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.