Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
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I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
subtitles are so good nowadays
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”