I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
You Might Also Like
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?