20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
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It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck