The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
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My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.
He described his son as “very mature”.
Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Me, in DM rooms…
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Simple