Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
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“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.