Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
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She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.