hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
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I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia