Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
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GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Bros before Ohioes
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?