Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
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Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
I’m an avid indoorsman.