I love wikipedia
You Might Also Like
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no