Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
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I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
*3.5 thank you very much.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.