Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
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Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity