Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
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Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
new record!