My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
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[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.