The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
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Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping