I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
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First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.