Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
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gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up