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[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
2 years later
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.