My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
You Might Also Like
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
The Compass
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
We have a winner.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.