My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
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Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!