Need this in my life lol
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I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.