I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
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*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy