There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
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I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
The options really are this bad
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
That’s fair
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Smooooooth
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?