My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
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Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.