Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
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[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
…..pretty much.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure