I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
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If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.