People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
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If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
reminder
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much