So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
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shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
🚲+physics = winner
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS