The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
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[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.