Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
You Might Also Like
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too