Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
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My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
The booster protects against what, now?
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be