I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
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My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.