Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
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Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.