If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
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Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Quadruple digit IQ
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”