One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
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Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
We decided to have money instead of children.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
You better watch out
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️