I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
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Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
You better watch out
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes