mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
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“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold