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Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
mathematically impossible
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?