Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
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You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.