11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
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[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.