Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
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This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.