Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
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German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana