Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
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My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
accurate
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.