Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
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[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.