sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
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me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope