Nobody ever collects famous first words.
You Might Also Like
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.